Be prepared to swim against the tide.

Our view of mental health, particularly in men, has transformed in recent years.

It’s not an exaggeration to say that normalising the topic has been life-changing and, indeed, life-saving for many.

As an educator, I had the joy (old fashioned word used deliberately) of speaking into this crucial area of culture on a daily basis.

• For lots, saying ‘I’m struggling’ is now totally normal.
• For others, there may be a sense that talking to someone might just be okay.
• For all, we’re in a time where mental health and suicide statistics are spoken of and recognised as ‘just not okay!’
• Yet the challenge remains.

Suicide is the leading cause of death in men under 50.

‘Not okay!’ I hear you say.

But, half of men say they’d be embarrassed or ashamed to tell their boss if mental health was the cause of an absence from work.

Men. Talk!

And, whilst I speak as a man, this is relevant to all.

Breakthrough?

We use the word ‘breakthrough’ a lot.

‘I’ve had a breakthrough on my 5k time.’

‘I’ve had a breakthrough on the guitar.’

‘Potty training…we’ve had a breakthrough!’

Now, there are breakthroughs and there are breakthroughs.

Don’t get me wrong, as a dad of three, the final nappy felt significant at the time!

‘You mean we can just leave with the house without pinpointing toilet locations 📌?’ 

Barrier overcome.

But some are more significant, even than this. They require the ‘back-to-brick’ renovation and dismantling of walls with deep foundations.

Foundations that have mixed in confused views of masculinity deep into the mortar on which your identity is built. And guess what? That cement is strong. Seemingly impenetrable at times… even when all parties are ready and willing to chip away at it.

Men. Talking. Well-being. Identity. Mental Health. Breakthrough here changes lives.

Ready to swim?

I can remember resolving to never cry again around ten-years old.

A significant moment for sure.

A poignant one. Particularly when I consider being dad to a ten-year old boy right now. We’ve noticed that he builds up to a big cry every couple of months. It seems to be like a reset function for him and tends to happen before bed… when the busy-ness stops.

So, what do I do? I sit on his bed and hug him. I want him to know that this is good. No other word for it, just good!

Give it 15-minutes or so and it will be right to laugh, to talk football, to move forward.

But, I’ll be honest. There can be creeping doubt during these times. Am I doing the right thing? Should I be tougher? Am I preparing him for life?

What a joke! Those old foundations are deep.

My own resolution wasn’t created in that one ten-year old moment.

The misguided pact made with my perception of strength emerged from the foundations set long before. The roots being both obvious and subtle.

This, and similar memories you may recall, shows the tendency to find yourself on the well-worn pathway of ‘masculinity’, drifting obliviously along with the tide.

Not uncommon, I’m convinced.

Family, TV, films, and the prevailing ‘be a man’ culture feed into attempts to build an identity that stands up to the all-important view of others.

But the list of contributors is massive. I have previously explored the idea of identity in career transition (Part 1, Part Deux), a ‘grown up’ life challenge that is sure to uncover what you’ve built your sense of self-worth on.

When life brings you to a place of examining this, you’re not going to find a clear line of pebbles to help you re-trace your own steps. If only it were that easy!

Rugs and resilience

These misaligned constructs weren’t built with high-vis, warning signs and planning permission.

Of course, there are horrible examples of significant trauma, neglectful parenting or bullying that can be identified for some. These need careful, kind and expert care.

But there is also a stealthy build that occurs for the majority.

Do you recognise these phrases or variations of them?

• ‘It’ll all be ok.’
• ‘Don’t worry about it.’
• ‘Come on, stop thinking about it.’
• ‘What have you got to complain about?’

I call these ‘rug comments.’ They’re all true to some extent and generally well-meaning. Naturally, some people’s brains fire and wire in a way that makes them more susceptible to the background noise. Yet in the absence of support and space to express, these sentiments minimise, whilst reinforcing the requirement to ‘pull yourself together,’ ‘tough it out,’ and ‘power through.’

That’s even before more obvious ‘man up!’ and ‘what you crying about?’ challenges are thrown in.

Believe me. I’ve kept going during extended periods of family illness and other crises. You have to. But, it’s simply wrong to add the expectation to maintain an ‘I’m ok’ brave face as well.

Putting things under the rug doesn’t build resilience, just covers a reality that may need facing later down the line.

The tide is turning

Videos like this one, produced by Norwich City FC, are a sign of the progress made. It’s powerful.

Alongside this, groups like Andy’s Man Club (#itsokaytotalk) are creating space where male friendship is placed at the heart of well-being. I wrote on this recently in my blog post, Running Mates. Others, like speaker, author and broadcaster Elliot Rae, are using their public profile to positively challenge unhelpful views of masculinity.

One blog, article or comment doesn’t hold the key to this topic. In fact, there is no key. But, culture isn’t passive. You either accept it and become part of it, or challenge and shape it!

The more that truthful, honest and considered reflections are drip-fed into our thinking the better. A privilege to be a small drip.

Looking forward to exploring this more in Men. Talk! Part 2.

Matthew, Founder of Wood Writes Words

Some useful links:

• Men Who Talk – Non Profit Organisation, Nonprofit, Support Groups
• Andy’s Man Club | #ITSOKAYTOTALK | Andy’s Man Club (andysmanclub.co.uk)
• Men’s mental health – Mental Health UK (mentalhealth-uk.org)
• Elliott Rae | Speaker | Author