Turn the tide: Lead conversation with strength and gentleness.

💡 If you’ve not read it, maybe take a look at my post Men. Talk! Part 1 and then come back here. They sit nicely together.

Just for men?

Am I writing for men only?

Absolutely not, but I am writing as one.

Our response to well-being, successes and challenges are habitual. You may have noticed it yourself. It’s easy to get stuck in well-worn paths, shaping how you deal with and talk about emotions. And changing can feel like swimming against the tide.

We need all the help we can get to encourage talk to begin, to keep us speaking and to make sure we don’t stop when it gets hard. Insight is a powerful tool, so read on. You may be the holder of the right question to start the conversation  someone needs to have.

Start with yourself

As I’m writing, it’s Mental Health Awareness Week (Mental Health Foundation). The charity Mind has a great tagline for the week, #NoMindLeftBehind, and there’s a wealth of resources to engage with.

Lots of us want to make a difference in this area. Maybe you’ve seen people struggling or struggled yourself. You see quality people burdened and weighed down. You’re inspired when you hear stories of breakthrough.

Men who resolve to speak into this space are needed. Do it. Swim against the tide. Lead with vulnerability.

Though in order to do so effectively, be prepared to keep working on yourself.

Your identity drives you

What’s yours built on?

I spoke on a podcast recently about how the basis of your identity drives your sense of ambition and well-being. During the conversation, I shared a framework for asking yourself two big questions:

• What do you think of yourself?
• What do you THINK other people think of you?

Take a look below from around 14 minutes 30 seconds…

Many men I’ve spoken to who’ve successfully worked through these areas of challenge have landed on these (or similar) things:

• New idea – You make a new pact with a re-written idea of strength and masculinity. One that accepts vulnerability.
• New understanding – You know you’re best positioned to protect, love and serve those around you with strength when you do this.
• New resolve – You’re set on swimming against the tide, even when opposition is encountered.

Real life – Leading in vulnerability

I’m a content writer. I tell stories. I seek to connect readers to ideas with my words.

I wanted to consider how you can work with others on this. Those you rub shoulders with. Maybe those you have a sense are needing friendship.

I’m convinced of the importance of starting the conversation, the need for strength when challenged and the call for gentleness to keep the conversation going.

Starting points

First, you need to be acutely aware that men have different starting points on the topic of well-being, mental health and talking.

Some will not even have considered it.

Others won’t have been consciously impacted.

Others will show opposition, but often unwittingly.

Circumstance or challenge may have uncovered areas in your wiring that are not even close to being on the radar for those around you.

A few months back, I was at an event hearing a man share about a period in his life when his sense of worth was shattered. He described how life and circumstance had led him to some dark places, full of bitterness, regret and a period of illness. This was a strong man, an intelligent man and someone who I respect. Powerful stuff.

I commented to a group of guys afterwards, ‘It’s so powerful when you hear a man being vulnerable like this.

We just don’t do it enough do we?’

One responded, ‘Yes, but we’re not women, we don’t have to share every little thing.’

Cue feelings of:

• What!? – I thought that what I was saying was universally logical.
• Frustration – Are we still here?
• Doubt – Am I actually wrong here?
• Confusion – I’m sure I’m right, but how do I respond?

You see, the problem was this was a friend. A dad. A kind husband. ‘A good guy.’

A fellow Liverpool fan even!

Stay strong, be gentle

My self-awareness on this topic and empathy has been shaped by years of teaching, family illness, circumstance… and my own tiredness of trying to prove myself to others. But, the steps taken on this journey have been hard-fought and the result of patient family, friends and mentors.

Of course, I felt the urge to dissect the nonsense of the comment right there. But I’d win without winning.

Keep the conversation alive

For me to play my small part in culture change, this became a time for confident but considered challenge. A time to stay strong, dismiss doubt and humbly appreciate (and be grateful) my thinking was different. A time to continue to open and not close the conversation.

Despite my conviction that this was outrageously wrong, empathy for my friend was needed.

‘Tell me why you think that?’

Always best to respond with a question, not a statement or opinion when confronted with different and strong views. Don’t bite.

I mean think about it… do we always know where lots of the things we say actually come from? Wouldn’t we all shudder at some of the things we’ve thought or said? Do we always believe what we say when we think about it?

Therefore, keep the conversation alive! That’s where the power is. Once it’s gone, the challenge is lost. When words are being spoken, the strong but gentle challenge can push back the tide a touch more.

Is there a conversation for you to pick-up with someone?

You might also enjoy my post, Running Mates. Take a look.

Matthew, Founder of Wood Writes Words